Symbiosis
by 1Past and Present1
Summary: I won't put you down tonight.


**Symbiosis**

Heinrich Anton de Bary

* * *

I noticed the looks you were sending my way a thousand years before now.

I pretend not to have noticed.

I fiddle with dials on the old radio, and the entire time you're looking at me, but I don't look back.

I know you're staring again because I can feel it.

Two hot spots on my back.

Burning.

Constant burning.

Curious, are we?

I'm sure we are.

Wonder what it feels like to touch something alien.

Want to feel my fur pressed to your belly while you hold me in place and whisper words of encouragement to my eager ears.

I know what you want.

Turn another dial and the radio spits at me like a bitchy little cat.

I resist the urge to bang it with my fist.

Bad cat.

I know all too well.

I can hear your heartbeat.

Humans have very loud hearts.

And yours is a sound familiar and comforting to my ears.

It's funny, I muse to myself while watching the tiny dial sway back and forth, unsure.

We've been together a long time.

Too long.

You could take my eyes and I'd know you from a crowd by the smell of your perfume.

Take my nose and I'd recognise your heartbeat from a thousand others because my ears are naturally attuned to your frequency.

Tie me down.

Cut them off.

Kiss me.

Then I'd be lost.

I have no idea what you taste like.

Sweet?

You can be saccharine sometimes.

Tangy?

You have your ways of cutting.

Nothing?

Would it even matter?

I just don't love you like that.

"Rouge."

I sigh.

Yeah, Topaz?

Feel you move.

Hear your boots crunch over the dirt.

We're out in the open.

Shielded by a tent.

Stars twinkle beyond the tarp.

Tiny, scattered jewels I will never fly high enough to reach.

We're together.

You and me.

Just.

All alone, and I just know.

I know.

I know this is the night you finally will try.

I finally will tell you.

Nice friend.

I like you.

I love you.

But not interested.

Sexually.

Romantically.

I regret ever having led you on in the first place.

You finally will learn.

Tonight.

Finally.

It's overdue, really.

You don't chase your best friend.

Especially if she's me.

Selfish.

Selfish, lying, selfish.

Me.

I'm sorry, upon reflection.

I internally apologise as you take a seat on the ground beside me.

Your hand finds my shoulder.

Big, strong hand.

It'd feel good, I know that.

"You all right?"

You ask me this so softly, so caringly.

You're a tough girl at work.

But I know.

You're so sweet, my dear, so soft and warm behind the act you put on when surrounded by ogling, judging men.

You were all alone before I came along and gave you a friend.

Best friend.

But I better answer you.

Before you really start to worry.

I'm fine.

I don't convince myself.

Your intentions are like a sickening smell.

It permeates the air between us.

"Good, good."

A pause.

I work.

You admire me.

I go over my lines.

"Hey."

I cringe, but turn to look at you impassively.

Hmm?

Your grip on my shoulder tightens comfortingly.

"No luck so far?"

You're referring to the radio now.

Nah, no luck.

"Oh."

I can hear the gears turning in your head.

Ideas.

"Maybe…"

Your hand relaxes, then tenses again, fingers moving in circles, gently applying pressure.

A massage of sorts.

"I was just wondering… if you…"

I'm bracing myself to put you down.

"Have you ever been in love?"

A sudden, terrifying question echoing in my head.

Gah.

I tremble.

My ears fold back.

Pain wracks my body.

Can't see.

Can't think.

Can't breathe.

Torpid.

I flop into your lap lifelessly, my eyes almost shut.

"Rouge?"

You shake me and I manage a rattling groan.

My stomach.

Inside.

On fire.

So sore, so sore, so-

You've picked me up and started moving.

I don't register where we're going.

I'm a bundle of bruised nerves.

Pulsating.

Throbbing.

There's something inside.

It's… alive.

Moving around in my gut.

It wants to come out.

Pushing.

Pressing.

Straining.

Skin, stretching.

You lay me down and mount me.

I tear open and you shriek.

A sound of pleasure, fear, horror, excitement.

Oh no.

It lunges.

It envelops us both.

Living, alien thing.

It screams and devours and I am the carrier of cancerous neglect.

How did it get inside me?

Did I have it all along?

Am I a horrible person inside, and this is what happens when I open up to someone?

I can't let that happen.

Never ever.

"Uh, Rouge?"

I jerk awake.

Oh my.

I'd just daydreamed the whole thing.

"You drifted off there."

Sorry.

What were you saying?

"I asked if you wanted to rest a while."

But the radio-

"It's fine, I can take it from here."

I smile at you.

Thank you.

You grin back.

You're a handsome woman.

A wonderful woman.

Why don't I love you?

Is it because we're so different?

Can't the toadstool love the daisy?

We're all part of the world.

Fundamentally the same.

Sinful.

Wrong.

Damaged.

We're all god's creatures.

"Go take a rest."

I nod and stand.

Your hand falls away.

My legs click as I stretch, then stroll to the other side of the tent.

I lie down on the sleeping mat.

No blankets, no pillows.

I won't put you down tonight.

My eyes watch you.

I'm checking on you.

For some reason, I just don't trust you.

You like to watch me while I sleep.

Tending to the radio you lull me into a sense of security.

Your back turned, I close my eyes and let myself relax.

I sleep.

Then suddenly, I'm awake.

Something wet over my mouth.

Frowning, I feel warm, fleshy things tease at my lips.

I realise it's another mouth.

Your scent.

Your heartbeat.

I don't know the taste, but it must be you.

You're kissing me.

You fucking sick pervert, you actually couldn't help yourself that time.

I growl and push you back.

And I'm sick too.

I liked that kiss.

I can already feel my body responding.

I want to screw you badly right now.

But I'm still a lady.

Topaz!

You look hurt by my refusal, your eyes wide, then shamefully downcast.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

That's all you can manage.

Like the problem here is not your need to kiss me at my most vulnerable.

But the mere fact you succeeded in waking me up.

You have problems, Topaz.

You flinch.

I decide to change the subject.

How's the radio?

You're grateful.

"Not working."

So we're stranded out here.

You're quiet for a while.

When you do speak, your voice is small.

Tiny.

"Yes."

I quiver.

If I don't get out of this tent soon…

"I love you."

I close my eyes.

Breathe in.

Hold it.

Let it go.

That was faster than I expected.

"Why won't you let me in?"

I roll over.

I don't want to speak about it anymore.

I'm tired, Topaz.

Want to sleep.

"Okay."

You move away and the dawn comes.

We get up.

I haven't slept since.

The radio finally dies completely and we mourn the loss.

That was our only chance.

You nod.

"It was."

We're trapped.

"We are."

You're in love with me.

Swallow.

"I am."

I'm sorry.

Touch your arm, patting it chastely.

You frown, the hurt showing in your eyes.

Let's go find something to eat.

"Yeah."

We walk together.

Go deeper into the jungle.

I fly to the treetops while you forage below.

I gather fruit.

Plump, vividly coloured, firm in my hands.

It's like picking jewels.

I collect an armful before floating to the ground.

Topaz?

You're gone.

So I look for you.

I can't find you.

But I can hear your heartbeat, distantly.

It's just a memory.

So I return to camp.

You're not there.

Your smell still lingers.

Like your taste on my mouth.

Run my tongue over a lip.

Bittersweet.

So now I know.

And I also know why you're gone.

I should have expected this.

After what I've done, why would you stay?

Mission has failed.

Stranded on a strange planet.

Just the two of us.

No way to contact home.

And you love me, but I don't love you.

So I guess you needed to go for a while.

And you know how to disappear.

I guess I'll eat by myself.

And I do.

And the fruit is delicious.

Fascinating.

Hideous.

Moving.

Alive.

Beneath firm golden skin is the flesh.

Writhing threads packed tightly together like millions of worms, brilliant red.

They're like jelly filled with syrup.

My head feels funny.

I feel… happy.

Hungry.

I devoir the red worm flesh and cast the husk aside.

Move onto the next fruit.

It's purple with green insides.

I eat and eat until I've devoured it all and then I feel content, basking outside the tent, next to a dead fireplace, smiling as I stare drunkenly at the brilliant sky.

I belch.

Excuse me.

Nobody's here to glare or forgive.

So I roll over and crawl back to the tent.

I'm too heavy to walk.

I lie down.

I sleep.

I wake up.

Still feel drowsy.

You're not back yet.

So I sleep some more.

The feeling of something heavy on my chest wakes me up.

You've come back in the middle of the night.

You're snuggled against me.

Sleeping with your face pressed to my breast.

My shirt is wet from where you've suckled.

I'm disgusted.

Aroused.

Ashamed.

Confused.

And tired.

I go back to sleep with my fingers tangled in your hair.

My last thought before switching off…

Maybe loving you wouldn't be so hard.

I wake again to find you jostling me.

"Rouge, hey, Rouge, wake up, Rouge."

What?

I sound raspy.

Like I haven't spoken in years.

"You've been sleeping for days."

I grunt and promptly fall asleep again.

I wake to find you still shaking me.

"Rouge!"

What?

"Look, I think there's something wrong here…"

Nothing's wrong.

"Come on, get up."

No.

Don't want to.

You try to pull me to my feet, but you can't even lift me off the ground.

You can only shake me.

Worry in your eyes.

"Get up, this isn't normal, this isn't healthy, get up, please!"

I close my eyes.

I whisper to you.

What you've wanted to hear for a long time.

It's okay.

Let me sleep.

Come closer.

Lie with me.

We can sleep…

Together.

Before I'm gone I feel your body on mine.

Your lips crash against mine.

Your hands seek mine.

Your tears are salt in my eyes.

"I liked it better before."

I sleep.

I can feel things while I sleep now.

Like I'm awake.

But I'm not.

I don't move.

I can feel roots.

I've attached myself to the ground.

Suck up nutrients.

Like a flower.

And I know you're still with me.

You'd run away screaming at first.

But you came back.

Then you left.

Wanted to forget.

But you came back.

Tried to rip me out the ground.

Couldn't.

Left again.

But always came back.

And then you stayed.

Touching me.

Feels so good.

And when you're not touching me you're talking to me.

Just like now.

And although I can't speak, I listen.

I can feel you right now, sitting by the dormant radio.

Watching me.

Talking.

"I think it's a parasite."

I think so, too.

"Rouge, I'm so sorry."

I know.

I am, too.

"I shouldn't have ever left you alone."

You're wrong.

We should have stopped this a long time ago.

"I sometimes get scared because I worry you're dead, but you're just sleeping quietly."

Sleeping.

Always sleeping.

I want to wake up.

Worms wriggling about inside my belly.

Wanting to get out.

Wanting to grow.

Wanting to anchor.

They've already reached through my back, my arms, my fingertips.

Sunk through the sleeping mat.

Sunk into the ground.

I can feel them.

They touch the world for me.

In a way, it's beautiful.

I see things differently.

The worms are genuinely kind.

They touch my brain and feed it things to keep the pain away.

But I miss you, Topaz.

Sure, you're here.

With me.

In fact you've moved.

You're lying in my arms.

But we're not close enough.

I realise it now.

I love you.

I always loved you.

"Take me."

Okay.

I finally let the worms out.

Let them envelop us.

We'll be one.

Together.

For a very long time.

A single creature.

Love.

That's what love is.

The living together of unlike organisms.

Symbiosis.


End file.
